Gratitude, Grace, and Introspection

(This is a diary of sorts: as a result of this last alcoholic relapse, I'm living on the street and in a shelter. The following is a reprint of an email to friends.)

Gratitude list:

  • my session with Deb and getting my medication on Friday

  • Cliff for driving me to WakeMed, for talking with me, letting me stay for a couple of hours at his apartment, for being my sponsor, for confronting me Saturday night, for giving me cigarettes and coffee

  • Deb, for her caring and straightforwardness, for information she gave me about alternatives

  • Jim, for letting me stay at his home Saturday and Sunday, for lending me money and buying me food, for his insight, support and caring, for getting me to my HP class this morning, for his TV, and for letting me sleep for about 12 hours Sunday thru this morning

  • THP for food and shelter

  • several street/THP people for their support, advice, information, cigarettes, and directions - also for a pair of shower sandals one of them gave me
    for my sobriety and strong feedback on the fact that I'm still seeing drinking/drugging as an option

Got my meds on Friday, but didn't get to classes and on the van list. I didn't understand that the Friday van list was used for the weekend.

Got a ride to Gateway group (the driver bought us breakfast, too: gratitude). Made three meetings there. Spent time with Jim, who picked me up there and got me to the shelter in time for the van.

I got "bumped" from the van because I wasn't on the list and got kind of pushed back in the line. The van took 26 guys and I was #27. I panicked (sp?), took a bus, walked to Helios and frantically made calls to Jim and Cliff. Cliff was great on the phone and he and Jim picked up and took me to Discovery. Then Jim took me home.
I told them that I considered getting drunk and trying to get into detox. Both of them pointed out that I still considered drinking an option. I realize how hard it is to reject it as an option. I think that I still am so feelings-centered, rather than consequences-centered.

I certainly see how much I lost and otherwise compromised during/as the result of this relapse - how hard I made it on myself. I still don't know if I'm willing enough.

Still don't know if my unemployment will come through. Kinda scary. Also don't know how long it'll be before I get my retirement payout.

Interestingly enough, it's easier to do "one day at a time" (or smaller increments) being on the street.

Thank you all so much for the support.

Be at peace
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